Should I ask my sister

How can I convince my mother to believe me?

Well, if that's true, then several things went completely wrong. Your mother could possibly be affected by narcissism - google "daughters of narcissistic mothers" - because for such mothers it can be typical to brand one child as a scapegoat and always have to make ready and to raise the other to the holy sunshine that never makes mistakes power and always has to be compensated. However, the sunshine is usually not happy either, because it is only allowed to be as the mother imagines it to be. For narcissistic mothers, it is a great threat (to their self-image) when daughters develop their own ideas and interests that differ from those of the mother.

What I would do one day: Talk to the sister. That must be possible! Not through your wishes and feelings, but first of all through them: How is she? What kind of problems does she have? Can you support them in any way?

It may be that your mother (unconsciously perhaps) plays you off against each other. It can also be that your sister has the feeling that she has to provoke you because otherwise she will no longer have a topic to talk to your mother.I had problems with my stepfather as a teenager, he basically bullied us non-biological children. Whenever my brother got in trouble, I was glad it didn't happen to me (and probably vice versa). We never talked honestly about the situation; only when we were adults and the situation no longer existed. We never helped each other, rarely did one defend the other against their parents. Today I would have sat down with him and discussed how best to get through certain situations, how to help yourself so that certain situations do not arise in the first place.

Understand that life is normal for your sister as it is. If you get less than she does, she doesn't notice it, but for her it is the normal state, not an injustice. Presumably she gets too little, but you don't notice that because she is neglected in other aspects. Just as an example: You can get a lot of gifts that you don't want at all, which is used to convey, "Your taste doesn't count here, be grateful!" In such a situation you might be happy not to have received anything instead of something that you don't want, that might offend you (because you said beforehand that you don't want it), but for which you should be grateful - if you do say your sister hears loud music in front of your door, one has to wonder why. Usually this is inconvenient, you would rather listen to music in your room. So she will be waiting for something. Maybe your outburst of anger. Again: why? Why is this important to you? Otherwise does it not notice that it can make a difference?

Children who annoy a lot usually have a reason that is NOT directly with the sibling they annoy, but in the rest of their lives, often triggered by the behavior of their parents. You are powerless, bored, you feel bad, you don't know why, you may not be challenged, and then you notice: If you annoy your sibling, something happens, you make a difference, you have power - that feels good! The more the sibling is annoyed, the better one feels (this is why very small children sometimes torture animals: then the animals react! Otherwise they just don't do anything.) This dynamic continues to rise: One annoys the sibling, that gets upset, gets in trouble: the parents confirm with the punishment for the sibling that you did something right, you get their attention, so you win twice: exercising power and getting confirmation from the parents. Paradoxically, you would feel much better if these feelings were caused by other actions, e.g. if you did something particularly well (school, hobby) and the parents would praise it !!

Because this is not possible or you simply lack this experience, you continue to get angry. In this situation, the angry sibling gets a lot of attention and the parents feel that they have to compensate them because, from their point of view, the sibling is the victim. So if you, as a real victim, start doing a lot of good for the annoying sibling, here your sister, in this situation, the parents will notice it positively! So you are seen and in a good light! You shouldn't put yourself in the light, because this is considered attention-seeking behavior, which the parents expect from you in this case and ignore, because they have the feeling that you are already doing this too often anyway (try to act with your mother If you now try to do the opposite of what you did before, your mother may notice this positively and your sister may also see you in a different light: If she hears music in front of the door, open the door, invite her into your room, confirm her. Praise them when you can. Regret it. Praise her in front of your mother, regret her in front of your mother, stand up for her in front of your mother. Demand more rights for her, emphasize how bad it is and ask if that can not be changed. Anything she does to annoy you should be challenged even more. Then at some point they both notice that something is wrong. If one person always takes away the food (dessert) from the other, it is logical that the other demands more for himself and less dessert for the annoying person. If the parents see the annoying person as a victim, they will perceive the situation in reverse and reject the justified demand as audacity. But if you do without your dessert yourself with the argument, "X is a lot more hungry or ate his dessert faster and is sad when he has to watch me eat", this becomes apparent at some point and either the sibling does without his dessert or Parents are increasingly making sure that the other person always gets dessert. If one has often done without in favor of the other, and indeed - that is difficult! - voluntarily, in good spirits, with "good" arguments - this is noticed at some point and the controlling parent (!!!) "must" exercise his power by "forcing" the subordinate sibling to do what he was previously denied (dessert ) to be accepted. Then there are sentences like "No, today you are not allowed to give your sister your dessert, eat it yourself."

The way to get there is to do exactly the opposite of what is expected: if you have something, you give it up. If something is taken from you, you give more afterwards. If you get annoyed, you put yourself down even further, you regret the other person for being in this situation (come in, you don't have to listen to music at the door! "). You often do something voluntarily for the other person ( Tidying up the rooms, taking on household chores, bringing a small present, being very happy when he succeeds in something, always putting his achievements above his own) and praising the parent (your mother) especially for his sacrifices and achievements (even if you don't actually see it that way yourself ).

Praise everything: the great food today, a kind word, her style of dress. Also with belittling of your person: I couldn't do it that well myself! How do you always do that? At some point you have demeaned yourself so much and exalted the other so much that it is noticeable and because your mother likes to be in control, she will not accept that and "fight back" by also sometimes emphasizes your achievements, treats you to something, etc.

It can take time, but it actually works better than trying to convey your feelings to such people (this is always seen as an attack on the feelings of the person concerned: "Mom, I feel bad when you exclude me" is understood as " Mom, YOU failed as a mother "and that has to be thrown off with aggression).

I did something similar myself.

I had a disabled brother who was always preferred, and I was often blamed for "sulking". For years I was mad at HIM and tried to argue for my rights and that never worked because he is "disabled and doesn't understand that" and my parents wanted to compensate him for the disability by giving him no rules and fulfilling every wish got. At some point his saying was actually "I can do what I want". At some point he was allowed to decide everything: where to go, what to do, every conversation with me was interrupted if he said something, etc. As long as I argued against it, I was perceived as a bitch. At some point I began to argue for his rights, partly because I actually experienced it: You shouldn't deny him anything, he wouldn't understand. If he had finished quickly, he had to have a second ice cream because he would not understand if he had to watch others eat (and yes, I partly believed that too).

After a while, my parents came up with comments like "speak for you, not always for your brother" or "he also has to learn to wait" etc. The more I voluntarily sat back, the more respected my presumably narcissistic mother (same pattern ...) on "my rights". If I used to beg to do certain things that were always not possible "because he doesn't understand and then would bother me", such suggestions came from her after I had often argued "X we can't do X, otherwise my brother will be bored ". Funnily enough, I then became his voice, he always came to me with problems, I then asked him until it became clear what he wanted to say (he often could not formulate it) and that increased or led me in my mother's eyes to the fact that I was perceived positively at all. And little by little SHE came up with suggestions that made me want more rights (the door to the room has to be open, he also has to learn that he is not always allowed to disturb, he is also not allowed to paint the wall, etc.).

It used to be the other way around: if I complained, I was explained why my complaint was selfish and wrong. Hence my tip: stand up for your sister, pull her over to your side, smear honey around your mother's mouth, give her compliments, give her little gifts, admire her. And wait, it pays off and you are perceived more positively!