Reading makes you a fart
Fudge in public | So you will
to the fart professional!
Before you worry: there is nothing wrong with letting the elephant roar. Really. Everyone farts, an average of 20 times a day.
Everyone. Except for Robocop and the Tagesschau speakers.
And while we all fart, it's always embarrassing when it happens in public. We just don't indulge ourselves.
So that YOU no longer have any problems in the future and your flatulence no longer gets you into confused situations in public, you only have to observe the following rules:
Always keep moving
When farting, think of a fire engine that is spreading its load. You just keep moving and distribute your load behind you. Sure, that's mean. But you have long since disappeared when others notice your fart. Walk around the classroom or office, talk to people - and gradually let the fart out. Once you're done, you just pull away and leave the others wondering.
Cough or sneeze
Simple and Efficient: Faking a coughing fit or sneezing loudly can be a distraction from your fart.
You can regulate the volume of your farts like on a TV set. This takes some practice, however: the best way to do this is to pinch your buttocks and lift one side up slightly. Then you let the fart out very slowly. You may have to fart two or three times, but at least it won't be that loud.
Play the blame game
You're sitting in class or in the office and suddenly someone goes through you - ah, oh!
You know: Only a few seconds until your stench creeps into a lot of noses. This is going to be sooooo embarrassing! The solution: Pick someone and put the fart on him.
If the person denies being responsible for the fart, that's even better for you. Because the angry reaction only makes them more suspicious!
In the car
If you notice that you are getting a fart, you should ask your passengers to open a window as soon as possible. Not because you have flatulence, of course, but because you feel sick! Nobody wants to be puked in their car, so your request will be complied with as quickly as possible. As soon as the windows are down, you fart as you please. Because: The wind will not only drive away the stench, but also cover up your puffs with a lot of noise.
In the elevator
The supreme discipline: Lots of people, no way out, tight space. And you were so stupid and had a tuna and egg salad for lunch? FAIL. For things to go well, you need to at least be able to hold your fart inside you until the next floor. Now you need timing: EXACTLY with the opening doors you send the fart on a journey. People leave the elevator, others come in. This creates some draft that might even be enough to save you. If it still stinks: stay calm or play blame game (see above).
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