How do sociopaths deal with sex

Sociopaths are charming, manipulative, and grenades in bed

This guy probably isn't a sociopath, but hopefully he kisses like one. (Photo: Pedro Ribeiro Simões | Flickr | CC BY 2.0) "Over time, you just get a clue," says Dr. Stephan Snyder, a sex and relationships expert from New York, during our conversation about being with sociopaths - people diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (APS) "A creepy, cold feeling," he continues. “Sometimes you notice when you see how they treat other people. For example, you can catch them attacking someone in a totally rowdy way because they believe they are not being watched. "

They are charming, manipulative, and quite often real grenades in bed. Sociopaths exist — and if you're like me, you've probably slept with someone like that before. Men and women who suffer from APS do not of course have an ax in their hand and wear a raincoat so as not to suck their expensive clothes with your blood, but you may find yourself caught up in a web of lies and dubious behavior . This web then makes you wonder what the hell you were thinking. As with so many other personality disorders, the diagnostic criteria here cover a certain spectrum and range from Patrick Bateman to you. In Martha Stouts' book The sociopath next door it is said that four percent of all Americans are sociopaths. Unsurprisingly, APS is three times more likely to be diagnosed in men than women (or maybe women are just better at acting).

To find out more about data from sociopaths, I spoke to Dr. Anne Brown entertained. Brown is a therapist as well as the author of the book Backbone Power: The Science of Saying No. and her patients include sociopaths (some of whom are in jail) as well as people who have had sex with sociopaths. Our conversation then turned to not wanting to be true, seduction and the reasons why one should avoid Wall Street.

VICE: How do you know you're potentially dating a sociopath?
Dr. Anne Brown: Probably the clearest sign is the fact that they are not sticking to agreements. And there are always stories that sound fishy. For example, they always tell you about expensive cars that you never see. And if certain stories ultimately turn out to be untrue, then of course there are always some attempts at explanation.

How do these people manage to maintain such a web of lies?
Well, they don't really see whole things as lies. They just don't have a consciousness that tells them, “You're lying.” When they tell their stories, they really believe that those stories are true. If the two of us were lying to each other here now, it would be pretty likely we're doing something like "Oh, I just lied - can I get away with it?" think. However, if a person with APS thinks that an uncle owns a large villa in Miami and you can definitely go on vacation there, then that person really assumes that it will happen that way. Finally he tells himself out again: “What a shame, I couldn't reach my uncle.” Now we have no idea whether this villa really exists or whether he may have met someone who calls a villa their own you just can't say then.

All you have to do is look at Wall Street, because there are some sociopaths walking around there.

At some point you have to reach a point where you recognize the lies, right?
These people are just so charming and enjoy being with them. If you really want to be with someone, you tell yourself things and start defending that person. When sociopaths want something, they say whatever it takes to get that thing. I've also worked in prisons and heard incredible stories there - for example about rented apartments that my patients didn't actually own. Something like that would never occur to me in a dream.

Are sociopaths even capable of real human thoughts and feelings?
I think they are just not aware of such things. That's just not part of their spectrum. They say whatever it takes to get what they want. One must always keep this fact in mind. You are opportunistic. They always win until they get caught.

Also interesting: our interview with a psychopath

Does APS help seduce you?
Yes, in any case. We have always said: “If you as a therapist give your patient money, then you are dealing with a sociopath." They are incredibly convincing, very charismatic and can come across as really nice. As already mentioned, they can talk well. But Do they stick to the agreements? Can you count on them? Do they know what they are doing? The answers to these questions are very likely to be "no".

What risk do you take when dating a sociopathic person?
If monogamy is important to you, then you will likely be disappointed. You are dealing with an opportunistic person. Agreements have no value — you always run the risk of being cheated, and then of course the health aspect comes into play. If you trust them and maybe even go so far as to change jobs or place of residence for them, then they can leave you at the next opportunity to be with someone else.

Is there also a risk of physical abuse?
That is possible. If you don't care about the rights and feelings of other people, then you can get violent when the situation requires it or when you are angry. I have a wonderful example: one of my patients was in a hurry to get home. Unfortunately he did not own a car and the next bus was only an hour away. So he pulled out his gun, forced a woman out of her vehicle, and then drove home with it.

You are dealing with an opportunistic person. Agreements have no value.

What advice would you give to a patient with a sociopath?
I can smell, taste and see the lies. For example, if someone told me that he was so great, that he paid for dinner, that he is moving in with you and that he borrowed the car, then I would answer: “Wait a minute. Does he even care about you? "Then follows an answer like" A date was actually planned on Wednesday, but he couldn't come because he helped someone with a flat tire ... ". Definitely a wild story. I would then say, “You can go on like this because he has put you under his spell. He's charismatic, he's funny, and he says exactly the things you want to hear. You put up with his rude behavior because you like him. The sex might be great too, but the whole thing is definitely not a long-term one. "

All right! So sex with sociopaths can really be really good?
Yes, but I must also add that sexual intercourse will become more and more about the sociopath.

Can sociopaths have a working relationship at all?
I don't want to make false promises here because the view is not very good. Let me put it this way: A relationship with a sociopath is a contradiction in terms. If you have certain demands on your boyfriend or girlfriend, then you should definitely not get involved with a sociopath. After all, it is not the point of a relationship to want to constantly improve the partner. A lot of women and men think to themselves, “Oh, they'll change for me.” No, they won't. People like that should be turned away from the start. Apart from that, all you have to do is look at Wall Street, because there are some sociopaths walking around there.

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