Is there something wrong with being calm?

Why is my child so naughty?

Sometimes it really is desperate:
They worked, kept the apartment in good shape, tidied up the living room for the 30th time, sorted clothes, hung up the laundry, comforted the children, told books, plaited hairstyles, smeared rolls, helped with the game of hide-and-seek (although you hate it behind curtains and and couches to crawl ...). You went shopping with the children in tow, with a lot of understanding you got through the 3 defiant phases in the morning, you distracted the children, tinkered with them, took them seriously in all their concerns.
And our kids?
They clean up their little room, play for 2 hours without a fight with the younger sister, help with the household, float through the apartment like angels, are helpful and nice without a break and make us so incredibly happy that we could imagine ourselves straight away to have three more children ...
Ha! Did you have to laugh out loud too?
Because that's exactly how it works in very few cases.
Not at all, not at all.

Why is my child so naughty?

"Blablabala, I'm not even listening to you!"

“I don't care what you say. I'm not doing that anyway! "

"Well, bad luck for you."

"________ (insert any swear word here) - mom or dad".

"I hate you. I'd rather live with my grandma. "

"My friend's mom is much nicer than you."

"You are soooo stupid and stupid."

It is precisely these “cheeky” and “naughty” answers that regularly drive us to white heat. We have done EVERYTHING so that the child is fine and as a thank you there’s something like that.
Dealing with these "insults" is not that easy and we usually do exactly what is completely counterproductive in the situation. We get angry, start scolding, and make wild threats ("If you are not decent right now, then I will take your fire truck away from you, we will cancel your birthday party, you mustn't watch TV in the evening"), devalue the child as a person and not his behavior ("You are really impossible again today". Why are you always so cheeky, do you find that funny? Can you actually talk to me properly? ")

When children don't cooperate, are cheeky and disobedient, all the alarm bells often ring. You feel overwhelmed, pushed back, not valued, unloved and sometimes you even have the feeling that something is really wrong with the parent-child relationship.

"My child doesn't like me anymore!"
"I failed as a mother!"
"What am I doing wrong, that he behaves like that?"
"Only my child is so cheeky and ungrateful!"

In order to be able to react a little more calmly and calmly, one must understand the following:

Cheeky, provocative answers are a childlike strategy. Children want to tell us parents something.
Even if you may not really understand that at the moment and this understanding is often completely lacking in the situation. But that's how it is.
These “cheeky” answers are a response to something the children disagree with.

In order to understand cheeky, provocative answers and to find possible solutions, you have to know WHAT children actually mean by that. Often it is the only way for them to say:
“Hey, I'm really, really angry with you now. I do not agree."

"Blablabala, I'm not listening to you at all!"

The child actually wants to say:
“You just talk too much. I can no longer take in so many instructions, threats and orders that I get from you every day. Just talk a little less, if you want something from me, then come to me, give clear and calm instructions and don't text me all day. "

Parenting trap # 1 - Too many instructions

Education trap # 3 - calling from afar

Parenting trap # 4 - Inaccurate instructions

Say what you mean and speak plain text

Bla bla bla

The parental answer is often not long in coming:

"But that's not how you talk to me, my lady!"
"I'll tell Santa Claus!"
"If you keep going like this, you won't be allowed to go to the circus tomorrow!"

What else could you say as a parent?

If you really want to respond constructively to this "blah blah blah" answer, then there are the following options:
1. "Oh, I just noticed, you think I'm scolding you too much, I'm texting you too much. That is quite possible. I'm just really pissed off that you left your things here again.
How do we want to do that?
Do you have your idea? "
It could be that as a parent you might help a little, that you sit down and make a few agreements about how things should look in the future.
Always the same discussions!

  1. You can also just be quiet for a while, refrain from commenting and then seek a conversation a little later, calmly express your wishes and views and find a solution together.

Maybe you think now:
Huh? Why should I react to a cheeky “blah blah” from my kids with a certain understanding.
Isn't it my fault if they give me such cheeky answers?

It's not about blaming either, but simply about the question:

Why is this happening and how do we get out of it?

If you constantly react only with ranting and threatening, you can hardly leave this vicious circle. Therefore it is important EXACTLY watch, because children often just reflect our behavior.
Stand back a little, keep thinking about:
"Why did I say that now?"
"Was it all really so bad now?"
"Did I have to rant, talk, moralize, preach, give lectures?"

"I don't care. I won't do that, bad luck for you! ... "

The child actually wants to say:
“Now I'll show you what it's like when you can't do something gets that one would like to have from the other or that the other should do. Now it's your own fault, because that's how I feel every time I want something and you just say: No, you won't get that. "

The parental answer is often not long in coming:

“Well my lady, we still decide here. As long as you live here, we are in charge, otherwise we can do something completely different, then YOU are unlucky, you will see ... "

What else could you say as a parent?

1. “Look, I don't want to force you, I can't do that either. But it is important to me that…. Because….
Then make me a suggestion on how we want to solve this now. "

Sometimes you just picked the wrong time. When children are at play, it is often not the right time to ask anything of them. Perhaps the point in time can be shifted a little, the HOW and WHERE something has to be done a little bit and adapt it.
Compromising is part of the upbringing and in most cases there is no stone left out of the crown.
Quite often we get caught up in power struggles that aren't really necessary.
SO, that's exactly how it has to be - when parents have fixed ideas

  1. “To be honest, I don't know how we're going to solve this problem. It is important to me that ..., I don't want to threaten you here now and force you to do it by force. Do you have any ideas how we could solve this situation? "

Sometimes it is very helpful if you tell the kids that you don't have a really great solution at the moment. That you don't know what to do next and have no idea.

"_____ (insert any swear word here) - mom or dad"

The child actually wants to say:
“You said 'no', you forbade me to do something. I don't like that, I don't agree and that's why I think you're stupid. You did not respect my wish, you rudely tore me out of my world with your announcement. I can't express myself any other way than with a swear word, but that doesn't mean that I no longer love you as mom and dad. "

The parental answer is often not long in coming:

"Ok, if I'm stupid, then I can't make you a snack, read a good night story, or help you get dressed."
"If I'm stupid, then you just have to see for yourself how you're doing."

What else could you say as a parent?

  1. “I understand that you don't want to go home yet, that you are annoyed with me and my“ no ”and that you'd rather have it differently. But it stays with "No", even if I understand your anger and anger. "

    As a parent, you show understanding for the anger or anger, you show the kids that such feelings are part of it, but you still don't change your mind.
  2. Sometimes it also helps to consider BEFORE whether a “no” is really the only solution. You can offer children an alternative or look for one together with them:
    “Look, I don't want you to play with your animals and the water here in the living room. If you want to do that, you can go into the garden, put some water in the washbasin…. etc."
    Quite often it is the case that you don't want to or have to forbid things to children completely. Alternatives can help and often prevent tantrums.
    "No, no, no, you mustn't do that!"

Young children in particular do not have enough words to express themselves “more appropriately” or to articulate their feelings. To say, "I don't agree, it annoys me, I'm pissed off, sad, angry, disappointed" is difficult. (Often not even adults can do that properly ...)
That's why there are often sentences like: "You are stupid, stupid, the other mom is much nicer than you."

I know it is often really very difficult to shut up and not react as childishly.
It also depends a lot on how you feel about yourself, whether you are worried, sad, dissatisfied or tired. Don't take this too personally, try to be as calm as possible. You can also practice a little for puberty ...
Hallelujah, it gets a little more demanding ...

"I hate you. I'd rather live with grandma. My friend's mom is much nicer than you! "

The child actually wants to say:
“I'm sooo mad at you. I don't know what to do other than threaten and provoke you. Hopefully you can see that you really pissed me off. I hope that you may withdraw your ban and then allow me to ... "

The parental answer is often not long in coming:

"Then go to Grandma. She can't play football with you all day and she can't sing as well as I can. Then go to your girlfriend. Then you will see what you get out of it. Your friend's mother works every day, it won't be fun either…. "

What else could you say as a parent?

  1. “Ok, you are really mad at the moment, I can understand that. I'll leave you alone for a moment now. But if you need me or I can help you somehow, you just come back to me. "

Even if the mom's heart bleeds in such a situation, just keep this in mind:
This sentence is nothing more than a quick, rash reaction from the children. They are not really aware of what this is causing us. It is also said faster than they would actually like.
Quite often they notice within the next few seconds or minutes that this outburst of emotion was a little clueless and exaggerated. If we immediately react insulted, scold, threaten or respond with a mean statement, then you have no way of apologizing or calming down.
This happens very often with teenagers in particular and you quickly get caught up in a loud power struggle.
If this happens regularly, i.e. the tone is very rough and unfriendly, then try to discuss it together in a quiet minute.
Here, too, you always have to hold the mirror up to yourself and ask yourself:
“How do I actually talk to my children myself? How annoyed and unfriendly is my tone? "

I know it all sounds super easy when you sit comfortably on the sofa and sip a coffee. You have probably nodded your head a few times and thought:
"Yes! It is exactly like that! That's exactly how I will react next time. "
And if you are then in the situation in each case, then you do not do it after all. You are overwhelmed by your feelings, you let yourself be provoked and infected by the childish responses. Sometimes you behave just as “childishly” as the little children, although we are actually the adults and should do it differently.

Maybe you think now too:
Sure, another psychological chatter. I don't have the time or inclination to always listen carefully and then discuss everything. Sometimes it's just the way it is and the way I want it, period and Basta. My child has to learn that sometimes there are simply no “ifs and buts” and that they just HAVE to obey.
Of course, you can't always do everything exactly according to plan and according to a scheme. Sometimes you are simply stressed, tired, in a bad mood and you usually only remember the great advice when the storm is over.
This is normal and happens every now and then in the hectic everyday life of upbringing.

The question is simple:
Is this an exception, does it happen out of a momentary helplessness and excessive demands or is this the only educational strategy that one knows and uses?
Why do you react the way you normally react and what does the child learn from it?
These are important questions, because you don't really want to “put out the fire” all the time, but rather make sure that it doesn't always start to burn.

Take courage, don't let yourself get down and just try it every day.