Why don't I like to be loved

Why some people think they don't deserve love

Last update: March 14, 2017

As the title suggests, we ask ourselves in this articlewhether there are people who actually think they don't deserve love, and who these people are. As we all know, there are as many different ways of connecting with others in an affectionate relationship as there are colors. However, there are also certain “affective lifestyles” that follow a pattern. A pattern that is absolutely structured and consistent in itself.

This means that we could group people who love in a certain way into a group of people, because they have certain characteristics in common. An affective lifestyle describes the way I connect with someone how I give and receive love. An exchange that seems easy, but gradually becomes routine.

“You can get to know a loved one as well as yourself. Or rather, as bad as yourself. "

Erich Fromm

How are people who think they don't deserve love?

We might think that it should be perfectly natural and easy to give and receive love in a healthy and mutually enriching way. But sometimes it actually becomes a complicated matter and a tedious business. How complicated we humans are!

Today we are talking about a very specific affective lifestyle: we relate to people who think they don't deserve to be loved. These are people who see themselves as contemptuous and consequently as a sheer disappointment to others. They have such a pessimistic image of themselves and so despise themselves that they are unable to leave a good hair on themselves.

They are convinced that they “are not worthy of love” and not deserving to be loved. In their eyes they are monsters who should live in solitude and isolated from the outside world.

But where does this great disdain for oneself come from?

Often this rock-solid conviction -"I am despicable and nobody should love me!" - their origins in previous relationships that were meaningful and characterized by affection. These relationships have influenced the way you relate to someone and share love, and the outcome is difficult to change. Not only feelings but also thoughts are affected in this way.

This aspect has to do with the life plan in some ways. For some reason, these people have built their lives on this self-despicable belief and on the basis of this they make their decisions.

Living a life by the firm belief that not being a lovable person means incurring a life sentence. It is the most excruciating and lonely prison a person can end up in. If you consider yourself unlovable, you will never seek the affection of another person for not wanting to disappoint anyone, and worse, rejecting others. You distance yourself very subtly so that no one can find out that you are who you think you are.

Masks cover up the monster that I don't want to show

In my relationships, I put on different masks. Masks behind which I hide and which enable me to connect with people in a distant manner. If I don't find myself lovable, then I don't want to show my being either. If I don't show my being, I have to cover it up in order to be a more attractive and less disappointing appearance to others.

And that's how it is now since I'm no longer authentic. I lose myself in this dance full of masks and dishonesty. I stumble across my own masks. Others can fall into my trap and fall in love with someone who I am not. But these masks are special and they are made of a material that breaks down over time.

As soon as I have the feeling that someone is looking behind my masks, I disappear from the scene or I even step out of someone's life and give all kinds of excuses. All because I don't want to feel like a person again who is so despicable and unworthy.

Everything is allowed in this fight against myself. A struggle that, paradoxically, aims not to come out of it as badly battered as it was started. Like rain, which shouldn't make something that is already wet even wetter.

Anyone who thinks they do not deserve love can find it difficult to accept it

Every means is right for these people to reach their goal. They aim to prevent people around them from looking behind their masks and seeing who they really are. Because if others find out how “little they are worth” (what the person actually believes to be), then that would only confirm their beliefs about themselves and that would be an even deeper cut into their already so deep wound that they are related to carry around on their affective relationships.

If you want to give this person love or affection, you trigger a very uncomfortable feeling in him, wanting to accept this love and not trust yourself. Because in their opinion this love is not deserved because these people do not really know it; they only know the masks they put on, which makes them feel even worse. Because of this, at some point they come to a point where they prefer people who don't care, rather than people who care about them and really want to get to know them.

It is impossible to be happy and live in peace if we do not love ourselves

Maintaining such an affective lifestyle makes life a veritable prison and is very debilitating. These people are unable to give and receive love. You cannot have a healthy, enriching, intimate relationship. Such a person's partner does not understand what is happening and heads under so much contradiction.

Psychotherapy is a very useful tool when it comes to working on these issues because it needs to be questioned and understood how this rock-solid belief came about in your life. In this way, the authenticity of this person can be worked on.

Others can appreciate what you hate about yourself

Just because you see yourself as someone who is not lovable doesn't necessarily mean that everyone will see you the same way. Certainly your fellow human beings have a much better picture of you than you might think.

"You know that you are really loved when you can show yourself who you are and without fear that they will have something to complain about you."

Walter Riso

It is neither an easy nor a quick path to a healthy and enriching affective lifestyle, but at least it is the only path we have to take if we are to live in peace with ourselves and, consequently, with others. A dance without masks is a nicer dance. Everything will be more real and others will see us for who we really are.